All of us want to be in a relationship with someone that loves us as we do them, but things don’t always work out that way.
We are all looking for that sense of loving, acceptance, identity and belonging.
Each and every emotional abuser will be the most charming person that you will ever meet as your relationship kicks off.
The charming side of your abuser is a tool that they use to disguise who they really are.
This persona is inserted front-and-center into your life and your family and friends will really come to like your new partner.
The trick here is that your abuser wants to get you emotionally dependent on them; it is almost as if you have become addicted to the persona that they have created.
This will go on until such a time as you start sharing a home, and then over a period of time, the real person that you are involved with comes to the surface.
Unfortunately for an abuser, they can’t hide who they are forever…
If we look into the make-up of an abuser we will find characteristics that they don’t want anyone to know form a big part of who they are.
Emotional abusers have a few common traits, all of which, when revealed, need to force us to get away from them as quickly as we can.
The longer we stick around, the more difficult, or even dangerous, it becomes to pack our bags and leave.
Emotional abusers bring an incredible amount of baggage into a relationship which is extremely well hidden at the outset.
They tend to have to have an incredible sense of entitlement well as a certain lack of empathy, to behave in the manner in which they do. Are they narcissist?
Their behavior shows a total lack of remorse or an adherence to the norms of society. Are they anti-social?
They have a low sense of self-worth, poor impulse control and a seemingly irrational fear of abandonment. Do they have Borderline Personality Disorder?
They feel that you owe them something just because they are in your life, and they are going to collect, no matter what the consequences or actions that they need to take to get to where they want to be in your relationship; in control.
Lack of empathy and a lack of remorse
They will see how their behavior is affecting you, but it will mean nothing to them as they will repeat this behavior over and over again over a long period of time if you allow them to do this.
Fear of abandonment
This becomes an issue from the perspectives of both the victim and the abuser. Once you and your abuser become co-dependent, you may develop an inordinate fear of them leaving you, and you accept their behavior as the norm.
Your abuser’s own fear of abandonment may be one of the reasons that they are trying to change your thinking patterns into believing that they are the only one for you.
Low sense of self-worth
To emotionally abuse someone over a long period of time can only mean that you are bringing some self-esteem issues into your relationship. Someone who allows themselves to be abused in this way may have their own self-esteem issues, and this is what makes it so easy for you to be drawn into this type of relationship over a period of time.
As conning you into a relationship is done in such a covert manner, this type of person has the patience to mold you into the plaything they want over a period of years.
You are never going to know that the love that your partner professes for you is just a toy in the game that they are playing with your emotions and your life.
If you roll all of these characteristics into one person, you have the perfect emotional abuser. They are devious and they do not possess a single redeeming quality.
They possess the perfect storm of characteristics to destroy your life without you even being aware of it.
This is why it is important that you never rush into a relationship. You need time to get to know your partner, so make sure that you use it.
You will be able to gauge the direction of your relationship and your new partner only after a few months of being together.
Be careful, though…
You will have undoubtedly heard the following coming from the practiced mouth of your prospective partner within a few days or even hours of meeting them:
“I haven’t felt like this in a long time” and
“I would never hurt you”
Other things that you may have noticed is that she gets very clingy; always touching you and insisting on holding your hand when you are out and about.
Also, always insisting on being affectionate toward you in public; something that may not be the norm in your home life.
You are going to be told that you are the greatest thing in the world and this flattery is going to ensure that you are not going to think properly while in the presence of your new love.
As I have mentioned, patience is something that your abuser has in abundance and uses to their advantage…
Even the patience that you display toward them as you refuse to call them out on their behavior is going to work against you.
All of this behavior is to groom you into becoming the doormat that they need to justify their existence.
Let’s have a look at how I think that I was sucked into my relationship and what my ex did to get me to that point of becoming almost addicted to her…
Looking after herself physically.
My ex is an extremely beautiful woman, is aware of this and uses it to her advantage. She always took care in her appearance, and for me, and overweight middle-aged man, to have a beautiful woman fawn over me was something very new and amazing to me. Once we were living together for about a year, this all changed.
She didn’t care any longer as she had me where she wanted me and had everything that she needed was at her disposal.
She matched me intellectually.
She showed me that she was the perfect match for me as we always had something to talk about, she made me believe that she was interested in everything that I was.
She knows exactly what she wants and she goes after it.
At the outset, she will come off as being supremely confident as she draws you into her life. She will listen to every word that comes out of your mouth to feign interest in you. She will take interest in everything that you do.
It was only long after I was deep into a relationship with her that I become aware of her own mental demons.
She’ll keep you confused.
I had to work hard to keep her attention on me. She would shower attention on me and then suddenly seem to become very aloof.
The more that I tried to please her, the deeper I fell into her web of deceit.
It was as though I was hypnotized into falling for her.
This is where my question “The loving relationship hoax: how did we get there?” comes from.