Once we realize we are in an emotionally abusive relationship, the whole dynamic of our psyche undergoes a major shift.
We have experienced emotional trauma during our failed relationship and for some strange reason believe we can heal ourselves.
The problem is it tends to make us repeat the same experiences. We will look at the bright side and see a different outcome, but in reality, this isn’t so.
We have been so diminished during our relationship we believe this is the best there is for us. This is all we deserve. The problem with this outlook is we only realize the gravity of the situation once it is too late.
The ‘FIXER’ mentality
Many victims of emotional abuse believe they are able to help the person abusing them change their behaviour. This is something which will never happen and keeps us in our emotionally abusive relationships for longer than is necessary.
You can’t change the behaviour of narcissism definition they are not doing anything wrong. You can’t change the behaviour of someone who has repeatedly treated you in this way and you have not challenged them on their behaviour. They believe you are condoning their behaviour if you don’t call them out on it.
We invest so much of ourselves into the relationship we sometimes lose a part of ourselves. That part which made us who we are. We will do and say things which are out of character.
Why did the voice in my head con me into staying in a relationship which I knew had only one possible outcome – failure?
- Was it because I took our relationship much more seriously than she did? I was willing to fight a losing battle, and I knew this.
- Was it because I remember what ‘was and could be again’ from the initial stages of our relationship?
- Was it a misguided fear of being alone?
- Was it her threats?
- Was it my belief I could find the person I fell in love with inside the body of this demon I was now involved with?
These and many other reasons for not leaving an emotional abuser I conjured up in my own mind forced me to stay for too long.
Thinking about everything now, I believe my greatest problem was I am a listener. I will hear everything you say to me, and in my mind there are certain things which one does not lie about. It was these things which kept me in the belief my abuser was hurting more than I was, and therefore needed me to stick around.
I really wish I had the strength to walk away after the first time I confronted her on her behaviour toward me. I would have been so much better off for it.